I will keep on running this never-ending race...

Consciously, ever so carefully, I perpetuate this cyclical existence of emotional instability. When happiness peaks I relish in it and act quick to destroy it. When I find myeself in the deepest part of the trench called "negativity" I make sure you fuckers pay and act quick to climb out.

Psychotic in its rawest and most adulterated form. I really fucking love myself. Every moment differeng from the previous to the present to the next; this way of living is quite exciting.

With the sunrise everyday comes one question: what kind of crazy shit will happen today? And at the moments before the next sunrise (seeing as how I don't sleep) comes the same reposte to the onslaught of the day that had almost come to a close:...wow.

Three cheers for predictable unpredictability!

To take a bite, but I know one will turn, to three or four or more, my little whore...

Difficulties prevail over smooth sailing. I can't emphasize enough the amount of pain involved in such a fact. It's exhausting. Mental collapse is not only possible but imminent.

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it...

Please, pretty please with a fucking cherry on top, calm yourself. Hold on tight because here comes the scary part. Now put your hands in the air and scream as it drops. Let yourself become consumed with adrenaline, let it flow freely through your veins, and when you reach the bottom you know you only have up to go.

It burns so hot as the pain spreads surely from end to end. Feel it in your fingertips, down your spine, pooling at your feet, and shooting into your skull. Quickly all disappears and you are left with one thing; a projectile spew of all the festering bullshit in your heart and with inhale comes the acceptance of a façade as reality. Rest your wings angel of mercy, you have done your job well.

For our means secure us and our defects prove our worth...

It is so easy to be ungrateful on a day like today but I do know one thing I am grateful of. I am grateful that in spite of all the adversity I encounter both internally and externally I am still in this world capable of feeling/seeing/hearing/tasting wonderful things, meeting wonderful people, and creating beauty from anything.

Come to me sweet child. Come rest your tired head in my bosom. Everything will be okay, everything will be just fine.

I sway in your waves, I sing in your sleep, I stay till I'm in your life...

The torture chambers known as my rib cage and skull are in use; their captives slowly weakening. Will they prove their strength to persevere and not give into the temptation of false salvation or will they fall victim to the hands of the great vilain that attempts to bring down this kingdom. Oh right and left hand knights of this king I beg of you, be strong. For all of our sake survive.

I woke up with these words on my screen:

   and thats when I realized I can do this on my own
   its just easier with someone there to keep me warm.

I wonder what had overcome me in my moments before sleep that are beyond the boundaries of my memories. Why was I inspired to write such words when most of my day is spent feeling otherwise?

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere...

Forever changing, this vessel is an enigma. The soul that occupies it is at the whim of the mind which cannot comprehend the existence of things otherworldly. The concept of life and death comes easy. Creation and afterlife are ideas that are easy to grasp as water. You can brush yourself through the pool of truth but when you try to take hold you end up with nothing more than that with which you started. Likewise the symbiosis of the soul and body are incoherent through these eyes and ears. Existence in this plane is only a fraction of both reality and understanding. The obvious subtlties that lay before in the path to enlightenment are tricky enough to confound even the sharpest of minds.

Hey captain, I say we take our time with this one.

I know you'll come in the night like a theif, but I've had some time alone to hone my lying technique...

The problem with humans is that God made the mistake of giving us the ability to think. Because he did that we stopped living and began existing. We found being miserable as acceptable. Where before we welcomed happiness with open arms we began chasing it away. Love became a pretty dream and a replacement for the word "tolerate." We were doomed from the moment we left the womb; our lives would forever be filled with consciously trying to cure ourselves and the world of all things wonderful.Could you, would you, please just revert to your primal state and allow the sunshine to burn through the clouds of your misery?

I guess I'm not making myself perfectly clear, I guess I'm not making myself perfectly clear, how many times, how many times, how many times is this gonna happen, how many times, how many times, how many times is this gonna happen...

I have never been known for my stability. My finances have been in shambles for years. I have bounced between higher education and the school of hard knocks. I make decisions on a whim. My mind - my fucking mind - the epitome of instability.

One day you will see me happy and positive about life. It could last for days, weeks, and sometimes, if I am really unlucky, minutes. The other times you will find a full-blooded nihilist.

Wait, let me correct this. I might not necessarily ever be a true nihilist since I can't ever seem to shake my optimism not matter the misery I face. But I do find myself in such low lows that I wonder how I ever managed to climb back up to ground level again.

This time it happened again. I knew it would. I am smart and I knew from the start how things would end. I just hoped that I was wrong. I am desperate to be proved wrong sometimes. In fact so much so that I put myself in precarious situations where I will only end up hurting in the end in the hopes of being proven wrong. I want proof that the world is ultimately a good place. I wanted that with this too. I just wanted so badly for this time to be the time I was wrong. I still want it. I want to be wrong now. It hurts so much to give up for the sake of being able to maintain a minute amount of emotional well-being that I can't help but cry. These are not tears of sadness. These are tears of frustration.

I am fed up.

YOU HEAR THAT WHO THE FUCK EVER OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER IS UP THERE? I KNOW YOU ARE FUCKING LISTENING! I AM FED UP! WHEN IS IT MY FUCKING TURN?

Not all rules were meant to be broken. You are the rule, not the exception I was looking for. But I knew that. I am the same way. For the kind of person I am, I am the rule and not the exception. I follow a stereotypical path. I just wanted out paths to join, even if just for a little.

I will be okay. I have felt inexplicable amounts of pain before. This is nothing. This pain is temporary.

And this too shall pass.

If you call me at all don't tell me that I'm ordinary....

I have always found myself one major recurring problem with life. That problem is Love. I mean that by every description of the word. Loving myself, loving others, accepting love, being loved, believing in love, trusting in love, falling in love, etc. all comes with great difficulty. But out of all things I struggle with understanding love.

Maybe it is my tendency to overanalyze everything. I really do. Love is something that just is. I understand that much. Beyond that I am lost. I wish someone would give me the answers to questions I have to find out myself.

My bones don't feel like they felt when I knew they were in my own skin, when I was still a man...

I wonder about myself a lot. I put myself in situations where i set myself up to be hurt. I use the excuse of, "I want to have faith in the goodness of the world," and only find reasons to lose hope and be bitter with the world. Optimism at its worst.

I would classify this as the reason that I am an optimist who wishes he could be a pessimist. I know that pessimists don't get let down like I do all the time. They don't have to feel like they were proven wrong very often. I wish that I could walk around with the outlook that would save so much grief.

I am too tired give shape to my feelings with words. You have exhausted me. Thinking about this all day for many days has worn out my mind and my heart. Why, out of all people, would I invest this all in you? I dont't understand my actions. I have so many why's I have been asking myself over and over again. I still don't understand or even have a hint to the answer. I suppose that is life. We search as human beings for answers. Very rarely do we find one for and of the questions we really care about. I hope this is one I find the answer to.

Even if the rain always wins, and forces my eyes shut to dream of, I'll still dream of brighter days...

Another day. Time won't change its pace no matter how kindly I ask. What a cunt.


I have plenty more I would like to say, but that statement alone is more than enough food for thought. Ponder in the wonder of the truth; bask in its bitterness. Don't you ever fucking steal my sunshine again...ass.

Oh, that Laser Rain kept me up all night again, scratching at the window like a bright colored beast, howling at the dawn like an adulterous priest...

It is but one desire. Please don't let me feel all alone in this world. Dermal contact of the most platonic kind can bring salvation.

Some seek to fill the void which will forever accompany us as human beings. Imbeciles! I pity them and their endless quest.

Will I be able to find a touch of kindness and care or will I have to settle for lust? This game is so old; been there, done that. My desires as an individual with a unique thought process conflicts with my instincts as a male in nature.

On the grand scale my heavy heart weighs more than the world in which it exists. The gravitational pull of such a mass is overwhelming. I find myself frequented by the conundrum of being surrounded by multiple applicants for the role of lover in my life. I am forced to break hearts and in turn lose a piece of my own in the process. The line, "I am the boy that set your girl on fire" plays through my mind on repeat. Those words given birth by another breathe their truthful rhetoric in this cloudy existence of mine. Murphy's Law, could you ever be more real?

Today was absolutely beautiful and I decided to enjoy it from the confines of a cold room. I chose against taking advantage of the perfect conditions for happiness. For this I blame you, yes you. Do I regret such a decision? Not one bit.

For now I will allow my racing thoughts to match my racing heart. "Oh God, please open your eyes, it's time to finalize, let's make this now or never." Make it stop. Oh mind, won't you be silent long enough for me to say good-bye?

Across the bloodstained hallway I saw mercy conquer hate...

Slow waves caress my soul calming the fire that raged. It has now been reduced to a candle flame. Still burning and unpredictable, but only able to light a dark room. The danger has passed and exhaustion ensues. The battle was long and drawn out and now the victor seeks solace in the land of surreality.

Will good always overcome evil? It is a question I ask over and over. Evil always seems to have won when good manages to fight its way back to victory beating evil down to an embarrassing form of existence. I fear that one day good will not win. What will come if that happens?

But for now drift. Let the tantric movements of a dreamscape trace along the edges of your mind. Tomorrow is a day for work. Today allow yourself to celebrate. Allow yourself to take advange of the less than average number of neural storms. Let your eyes close on the present and open to the future. Rest young prince. Sleep brave knight. The war will never be over, but for now the battle is won.

Take your form let it be the scariest, let it be most furious...

If I went crazy and my life became consumed with utter nonsense would you be there to wipe the sweat from my brow as I lost control? Would you hold me until I stopped shaking? Would you comfort me while I sobbed as I realized how helpless I was?

I God-damned hope so...

It's like napalm in my chest. This burning feeling oozes from my throat to my bowels. It is a me that I have not faced in a very long time. Shall I fight it? Hah! A laughable thought that is. It feels so good. It feels like nails digging into my back while fucking; digging in so deep flesh rips from my body. God it hurts so good. I can lie and it feels like the truth. I can destroy and it feels productive.

It is beautiful. I shudder with disgust and the hair all over my body stands on end. These thoughts that run through my head are terrifying yet my heart begs me to embrace them. Where before I was yin, I have now transformed into yang.

Embrace...suppress...embrace...suppress...I have not decided which I shall choose. Most likely I will spend the entire ride weighing out the two options until this feeling passes just like every other time. I guess only time will tell.

A piece of advice: Stay the fuck out of my way!

Even if you've been so close you're not alone anymore, still we grow...

A container of nitroglycerin should come labeled to handle with extreme care. I have been looking in the mirror for hours on end and I can't find a warning written anywhere.

This is me in my most vulnerable state. This is the me that I fear. The fires of hell are a winter storm compared to this flame when ignited. Tempt not, please, for my sake. I am scared of that person; the stereotype, the statistic. I have waged wars comparable to the battle between Lucifer and God to become a person beyond such a fated existence. Allow me to continue.

Like a murderous samurai who has traded steel and blood for wood and kindness I would like to continue my journey of life following a path far from the world I felt destiend to be a part of forever. Enable my request, I beg of you. Allow me to protect, not to require others to seek protection from me.

War still ravages the once beautiful countryside of my mind. When will it end? When can we lay down arms and pick up broken pieces. Together, I swear, we can mend it all.

It was all simple words, playful at best, so the story starts...

Like the Nile River, like the Santa Ana Winds, I came into this world destined to be a living contradiction. The name Christopher Santos would come to represent a human paradox.

Pain and suffering came hand-in-hand with happiness and serentiy. Loneliness accompanied by companionship. My experiences taught me two lessons:

1) Life is shit. It is meaningless. It makes no difference if you live or die, life moves on without you. Are you brave enough to race to the finish, to beat nature to the punch?
2) Life is beautiful. It's completely infinite and unpredictable. There is so much to enjoy and share. Are you brave enough to face the hardship of life and overcome it and live?

The answers are always the same and the come simultaneously. Yes and yes. No and no. Some times I don't know how I managed to survive and others I don't know how I could ever want to do otherwise.

One thing is for sure. I am an addict. My drug of choice, Life. It is the most awful and yet the most amazing drug ever. I have never felt greater highs than when enjoying life. Yet the lows are awful. Coming down from the high is misery and the withdraws lonely. But no matter how hard I try, and believe me I have tried very hard over the years, I have never been able to quit. You would think with the amount of times that I hit rock bottom with this addiction that I would finally see it to quit. But I keep going. I really fucking love this drug. I really fucking hate this drug.

I guess I defy logic. That is my responsibility as a living, sleeping (sometimes), eating (gluttonously), thinking (far too much), shitting, drinking, crying, laughing, creating, fucking, smiling, talking (loudly), loving, hating, helping, hurting paradox. Colloquial with acquaintences and austere with lovers. I am a liar who can do nothing but tell the truth. I am a proverb ripped from the pages of the Tao Te Ching and commanded by God to breathe. It is like Nietzsche and Aristotle had a one night stand and I am the bastard child of their debauchery.

I will open my life, my heart, my mind, my past, my present, and my hopes for the future to you. I will do so for anyone. I tell myself that I have nothing to hide. Yet why do I find myself cowering in the corner of my existence? Why does my soul let no one in? I tell myself I want a sense of amity yet I run and hide when I find it. I demolish it after spending so much time and effort building it.

I have learned a few things of myself though. I am not completely lost. I know I want to find the other half of my soul when my mind, body, and heart are ready for it. I know I need to learn how to capitalize on my talents, of which i have many, to create a series of successes. I know that one day it will all make sense and I will find myself in an Earth-bound Nirvana. Until then I shall just keep swimming.