I've got feet like concrete and a head like lead.

This feeling...the entirety of the spectrum of emotions...this existence...the constant struggle to move forward and to pick yourself up when you fall...the battles against yourself...the terrible fight...the attempt to simply survive being human.

What makes this time harder than the rest? Why can't I move forward? Every other time, as painful as it may have been, moving forward after losing something important to me was at least feasible. This time, even after all that has happened, I still cannot do it. I should be able to. I know it. Every one around me thinks I am stupid. Fuck it, even I think I am stupid. But even so, no matter what I do I cannot begin to move. So here I am; stuck. I am left with the ghost to haunt me. I fall asleep next to that ghost. I wake up to that ghost. I eat with that ghost. I build this future for myself and the ghost. It is the ghost of what would have been and the ghost of what should be. I said I could be happy if you were. I lied. I'm the farthest from happy knowing that everything that makes you happy now is without me and everything that made me happy feels so empty without you. I say I want to rise to the top with anyone and everyone willing to join me on the journey, but really the only one I care about joining me for that ride is you. All these things I feel are all things I have helped others overcome. Why can't I help myself? Why is it that the only way I have felt this empty feeling disappear since it all fell apart was to look into your eyes or to feel your skin against mine? Why do I feel like such a little fucking bitch for feeling this way? It is so defeating.