If I could go back to the start to break the pattern forming between us.

This is a special kind of hell.

Though silently I walked away, inside I screamed and begged for you to make me stay.

Every step that led me away from you felt heavier and more sluggish.

Maybe that's because it was. 

If I didn't love you so much you would be all mine right now.

In my arms you would lay once again if I didn't love you so deeply.

But I do.

And that is why you love me.

An infinite stream of if-only's flows throw my mind.

They marry well with the I-wish's.

A perfect mix of biochemicals.

Mine with yours.

And still only can they see each other through the glass.

Knowing of each other's presence but unable to mix again.

Only fantasy.

Oh how I wish.

When the world starts to change, life rearranged, this is bigger than you, this is better.

With every breath, every beat of the heart, every fucking blink, it burns.

There it is again; that stupid theme. Be creative for once. It burns? Is there a stupid fucking fire? Are you a fucking broken record? Get the fuck over yourself. Who the fuck even cares about this shit? Stop whining. You're pathetic. Stop making excuses. You're pathetic. Stop being so fucking pathetic. You're pathetic. Just shut the fuck up already.

Fuckit.

I don't wanna feel like this ever ever ever ever ever again.

Yesterday I was sure.
Today the windows have fogged up.
Tomorrow has yet to come.
Tomorrow has also already happened.
Today the windows were also clear.
And yesterday I was also still searching.

I exist in infinite iterations outside the shackles of time.
I exist in the four known dimension and in all the unknowns as well.
Yet I don't exist at all.
However, the me in this reality experiences life in a linear fashion, as a slave to the four known dimensions, to his own existence, and to this single iteration.
Here I am.
Good.
Or.
Bad.
Here I am.
No, I am not fucking high.

And I just keep away from you, keep away from me, you were a song to sing, a way to say I need you more, you need to stay.

White and varying shades of grey drift silently across the blue expanse. The warm light brightens up the dull brick across the way, but none of it reaches me. I am here with only myself and my thoughts, and that is a historically dangerous thing. Especially when my thoughts are as follows.

I miss you. Not as you are now, because who you are now is not the someone I was with. You've become something less. Something more hollow. Empty. I fear you now. Not because of how you can destroy me over and over again, but because you aren't you. You aren't you at all but you look like you. I fear the destruction of the beautiful think you have become in my memory. I want to speak to you. I want to touch you. I want to feel your warmth and see your smile. But I can't. For in my mind and in my heart you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and touched in my entire life. I'm scared. I don't want to let go, but I know I could never be with you again. This is not because I can't be around you per say. This is because you as you existed before no longer exists now. I still mourn the loss every morning, day, and night. I mourn the loss of the person whose eyes I will never gaze lovingly into again. I can look in yours, but they will no longer be yours.

And I hate that the world is against you because they see the you as you are now. I am the lone soldier fighting to preserve who you once were.

I hate that you still exist somewhere. I hate it because I don't think you will ever let her out again. She was the most beautiful thing I could ever imagine. Life as you have chosen to live it does not take kindly to sincerity. It shuns the truly beautiful.

I will miss you forever and always as you fade. Will anyone ever know what truly incredible person lies dormant in you like I did?

You.
Deserve.
More.

And I do too.

A hint of light in the dark; only enough to keep from giving up. If I could go back to the start to break the pattern forming between us.

It's been five years. What have I even done?
I'm still alone.
I'm still an empty shell of a man.
I'm still hurting.
I'm still destroying everything I love.
So really...what have I even done?