Sold my life to bring the rain maybe to wash me clean. Sold my soul to stop the pain hoping you'd set me free. All your fears, all the pain, you know you can lay it all on me.

Although I have taken much longer breaks from writing, this one feels particularly long for some reason. Maybe it is because I have felt the weight of the world slowly get heavier on my shoulders. It is not that I did not feel it before, rather I was not aware enough to understand it.

But now it has all reached a breaking point. I am faced with a decision and now is not the time to be indecisive about it. I don't want to go back to that place in my head. I fear it. I should fear it.

These days have been quite tiring. I have been tapping into that well of creativity and the aquifer of buried emotions for the sake of art, so forgive me as I allow myself to be disorganized with my thoughts today.

Is it odd that I have little desire to pursue romance? Is it odd that I have even less desire to pursue lust? I am a man right? I am still an animal right? So why do my instincts fail me. Many times I found myself sitting in indifference as I could have been seizing an opportunity for either. I feel guilty about it. It's not that they weren't beautiful or worthwhile people. They were absolutely picks that others would have snagged in a heartbeat. But my heart did not beat. It is in constant repair from the onslaught it has been facing from the start of the year. I do want love, but not that kind. I do want companionship, but not that kind. I'm sorry. I assure you that I have more value as a man and a friend than I would as a lover right now. I'm sorry I don't want to make you my wife. I'm sorry I don't want to see your tits. I'm sorry I don't want to fuck you.

Onward, mind! To the next town of what-the-fuck!

Since when is a child ready to be a professional? Please spare me your attempts to bring me down. It won't work. I have this fantastic magical ability that it seems is rare to possess called "the ability to walk away." Come back to me when you remember how beautiful you are inside and you are ready to better the world with me.

I miss you. I'm glad you and I had that last moment we did where you climbed into my arms and we talked for hours. I will always miss you. You were so beautiful even into your last days. I am so lucky to have known you and had you be in my life. One day I will join you up there and we will play in the stars together. What's it like up there? Did you finally catch one of those fast little fuckers in the park? I hope you know that you brought joy and happiness to all who met you. I've got a present in the works for you. I hope you get it when I finish it and send it to you. I know now that it hurts no matter how it happens. The only benefit to getting to closure is that pain is made up of much less regret. I love you and I will see you soon enough, buddy.

I hope swift resolution is written in the stars for me.

I will leave it off with a little something I learned about myself. I leave a little piece of my heart in every hand I allow to hold it, but I never fear of the day when there will be nothing left. Even without the pieces I left with others I will always have a whole heart to give.

I anger inside. I rage onward. I cry. I wallow in my sorrows. The pain...oh the pain. I care. I love. I smile. I feel compassion. I am passionate. I lament. I reminisce. For you I am me. For all I am, for me I am me.