Wake me up with a sign, tell me in your own true words that I deserve this.

Lately

No, for a long time. 

I have felt depressed and lonely. I have put on a face that is functional, and in some ways I am. For now. I am getting by. For now. But I think that is coming to a close.

I want to say that I feel incapable, but I don't. I know I can do something, but I feel like I am JUST not doing it. I look at myself and I see someone lazy. But if I am lazy, why do I feel like everything I do requires so much work AND feel exhausted every day at the end of the day from that work? I must be doing something for my biology to tell me that I need to recover.

Is it because I am simply not prioritizing the things I need to do? Because I feel this feeling of impending doom and dread that seems to come along with things that are priorities not being taken care of. I don't feel the things that I do instead of my work is a priority. I don't feel like writing this is more important than the homework I should be doing and the emails I should be sending and the visits I should be making to people to get help. I feel pathetic. 

I feel like I waste my time with everything I do. I feel like a waste.

I want to not exist, but now that I have existed and become aware of my existence I have come to fear more than anything ever -

    to the point where I have regular, sometimes many times a day, crushing panic attacks which leave 

    me sobbing and rocking on the floor and hitting my head with my fingers while mumbling: 

        no no no no no no no no get out of there no no no no no please stop no no no everything is 

        going to be okay everything is going to be okay everything is going to be okay everything is 

        going to be okay everything is going to be okay everything is going to be okay...

    for what feels like forever and no time at all simultaneously -

is eternal oblivion. That is I am afraid that when I die everything just stops and I am not aware of that happening, and I no longer have a past that I can look back on, nor can I see that I have done anything that impacted the future, and no lives or anything that is here is continuing to exist because existence for me is just gone. It is like matter and antimatter colliding and obliterating each other leaving nothing. 

I have listened to speakers and read the work of writers who discuss loneliness and depression and anxiety and mental health in the hopes that I will find anything that might help me. At the same time I am bombarded with this "only you can help yourself" bullshit.

"You just have to do it."

"All you have to do is start it and the rest will follow."

"Just showing up is 90% of the battle."

"You need to reach out and communicate these things."

[insert the thousands of little anecdotes that people say to try and motivate you]

I have determined all of that to be bullshit.

"You just want other people to fix things for you."

"No one can do the work for you."

"Stop being lazy."

"You only have yourself to blame."

I fucking know.

"You're worthwhile."

"You are capable."

I fucking know that too.

"I care about you."

You don't even fucking know me. You only know what I show to you. If you knew me then you would know that I am a lazy piece of shit that literally wastes everything he is capable of doing and barely follows through with anything.

I fucking know how smart I am. That doesn't mean anything. Smart people rot away in bars and on the streets talking about how smart they are and how stupid everyone else is, while the stupid people they talk about live long successful and happy lives.

I fucking know that I am talented, but if you knew some of the people I know then you would see I still don't hold a candle to them. They are more talented and they actually do something with that talent. 

I fucking know how many other people have mental health issues and get through everything in their life in spite of it. I fucking get it. Look at all these fucking people who have it as bad or worse and still get through it. I look at myself every fucking day and see a fraud who is just coming up with excuses, and yet it doesn't change. If you knew what went on inside me you would know that I am a lazy piece of shit that literally wastes everything he is capable of doing and barely follows through with anything.

I feel so fucking alone. And I know that there are people there for me.

"I'm here for you."

"If you need anything just call or text me."

"I understand what that's like, so if there is anything I can do to help then let me know."

"You need to reach out to people."

"You're cared about."

I KNOW.

I know.

I know that there are people out there who care, and there are people out there who understand. That doesn't make it go away.

"It's the human condition."

Is it though? Why do some people feel so fulfilled? Why are there communities of people not feeling like this? Is it the human condition to feel all of this and infinitely more that I can't even put into words? If so, HOW THE FUCK do they do what they do?

I still feel alone.

The thing is, I'm not even sure I don't want to exist. I actually thing I want to exist and I feel like I am barely doing that.